Eight Words- Part I

Her

 

I woke up with my thoughts all foggy again.
[Sigh].
Here again.
Invading my thoughts.
Or is it guilt that plagues me?
Sleepless nights, waking up in cold sweats.

I should come to you.
I should find you.
I know where to look.
But I don’t think my mind is ready.
It’s not ready to confront what it fears to find.

An angry you.
A tired you.
Exhausted from the roller coaster that is me.
I am pretty sure you thought it was cute,
My nagging and expectations.
At first, you must have thought it was cute.
You just never thought it would wear you out, eventually.

My expectations may have been too much to bear.
But I only wished you’d see what I saw when I looked at you.
You could have been so much.
Not that I wasn’t content with you the way you were.
I just wished you had bigger dreams.
I just wished you could see what I saw you could become.

Not that you weren’t enough.
You were.
More than enough.
I wanted you to be enough for you too.
I guess I didn’t realise that I was pushing too hard.
I didn’t see that my nudges were bruising your soul.
Forgive me.
I swear I meant well.

I’m worried that you hate me.
I’m worried you don’t miss me.
Not nearly as much as I miss you.
I’m worried you don’t love me anymore.
Not like you used to.
Seeing me again may only spark the flame.
I’m worried.

I’m worried seeing you again will hurt.
I’m worried it will remind me of the day you walked away,
And never looked back.
I’m worried I will have to fight sleep again,
So I don’t have to confront my fear of losing you in my dreams.
I do enough fighting during daylight hours.
I’m worried that you will touch me and I will break.
I’m worried that my facade will come crumbling down.

I wake up cold.
The reality is so cold.
The realization of how I made it so hard for you to love me.
How I questioned your affection,
And demanded more because of my own inadequacies.
I wake up shivering each morning,
Because I drove you out of the very door I tried so hard to hide.
The door I worked so hard to keep you from.

You found.
You opened.
And walked.
Walked away.
From me.
Leaving me without shelter.
Homeless.

heart

Eight words.
That is all I have to say to you.
Eight words.
I want to run to you.
I want to break and show you all that’s in me.
I want to show you the beauty you fell in love with again.
I want you to see the dreams we had
And the heights we planned to climb.
I want to show you me again.

But because I am afraid of your No,
I will not do all that my heart desires I do when I find you.
Eight words.

They say the heart knows what it needs to heal.
The problem is the silence of the mind.
My mind has been silently watching my bleeding heart.
It’s only a matter of time before it gets tired of the noise.
Once it’s tired of hearing from my heart how broken it is,
It will speak.
It will show my heart the path towards healing.
So I need to mutter all the courage I can now,
Before my heart heals.

I should come to you.
I know where to look.
I should find you.
I need to find you.
So I can tell you.
Eight words.
So once I heal,
I have no regrets.
No hate.

Eight words.
You don’t even need to say anything.
I don’t need you to say anything.
If you just listen, I will be content.

“I’m sorry, but I did love you so”

tears

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2 thoughts on “Eight Words- Part I

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