This has been one tumultuous month for me, emotionally.
A lot has happened within this past month, and I have had quite the lessons to take away from this season.
- Honesty is still the best policy: I have grown, personally, and I have embraced being honest with people in my life because when I allow myself to be honest with people, I am in turn being honest with myself. And there is someone I need to be honest with the most, its me.
- Being in moments: It’s been quite the journey, where I had to tell the voices in my head to stop shouting doubt and just let me enjoy moments; moments with myself and moments with others. This means allowing yourself to feel every emotion in that moment you are sharing with yourself or someone. If it’s a sad moment, let your soul feel the crushing pain and cry if you must. And if it’s a happy moment, let that smile break your face and relish the happiness. By letting myself feel, I found I was able to express my feelings of honesty without fear. I was able to tell people exactly how I felt, as opposed to not speaking up and going home to speak to myself about how I should have just spoken my mind.
- Silence is golden: Yup, another age old adage. Knowing when to speak is great but learning how to keep quiet because your words won’t be heard is an even greater strength. This has been one of the hard lessons I had to learn. sometimes its okay for the silence to echo, because not everyone who listens hears. And when that happens, when someone is listening but isn’t prepared to hear you, keep silent. It will echo. They will come back to you when they are ready to hear you. And if they don’t come back, that’s fine too.
- Self Preservation: Sometimes, life puts you in situations where you have to save yourself or risk losing yourself. I found myself in a situation where I felt like I was cuddling a ticking time bomb. Time felt precious, but I had to choose between protecting myself or allowing myself to get hurt so I can wallow in the pain. I chose me. I chose to sever my heartstrings and drag myself to the door so that when the bomb detonated, I was completely and utterly destroyed. Unfortunately, when it did detonate, I was still in the danger zone. I know this because every night before I sleep, I find myself subconsciously waiting for you to call or text, to check up on me. I have some wounds, but I know it would have been far worse if I had not left when I left. It was late, yes, I could have left earlier, but it wasn’t too late when I left. I am not a victim.
- Waiting on the Lord: Waiting on God sometimes means soldiering through moments of silence. His silence doesn’t mean He doesn’t see, because the Word says He feeds the birds, clothes the grass and lilies (Matthew 6:26-34). If He does this daily for grass and flowers that will wither tomorrow, I should rest assured that He pays far more attention to my sorrows and pain, because He made me fearfully and wonderfully, in His image. So as I learn to wait and not murmur, I find comfort in knowing that when God is done working in the background, He will show up for me.
- Pray: Take it all to the Lord in prayer.
“Oh what peace we often forfeit,
oh, what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.”
– What A Friend We Have In Jesus
This song has remained in my heart for days on end. Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17).
Now, this isn’t to say I am on higher ground. I am still in the eye of the storm, but I am now starting to have a calm wash over me. I am less anxious and fidgety about the outcome of my situation. I am concerned but not worried. Not anymore. I realize that my weakness allows God to be strong in my life and thus lets me surrender as I walk this walk of faith.